The Worst Holiday Presents Ever

Consider this a preemptive intervention. You're tempted to buy some terrible gifts this season, and The Feast is here to convince you otherwise.

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The Future Perfect
Harry Allen's Banana Bowl is a garish and redundant trompe l'oeil that somehow recalls Jeff Koons' orcelain figurine of Michael Jackson and his pet monkey Bubbles. Creep city. ($300 at The Future Perfect)
Gifting aSuper Pet Critter Trail Dazzle, complete with gerbils, amounts to wrapping rodent-scented potpourri. ($34.97 at Petco)
Talk about joyless holiday weight gain. Go ahead, scarf down a 4-1/2 lb Southern Supreme Fruitcake. We dare you. ($43.50 at Southern Supreme)
Unfortunate but true -- even in camo, the fanny pack won't disappear. Skip this Bellino Camo Waist Pack, and, really, all such contraptions. ($15.20 at
Gifting an Ab Roller is essentially wishing him eternal insecurity and frustration. ($24.99 at Kmart)
Brass Knuckles Company
An efficient idea, to combine products and all, but the potential for accidents with the <a href="one is just too high. ($8.99 at Brass Knuckles Company)
Judith Lieber's purses are usually as chic as they are expensive, but in this case, a Crystal-Embellished Dachshund Clutch seems a bit excessive. ($5,795 at Net-a-Porter)
There is just no place for Big Mouth Billy Bass, a noisy mounted fish, in anybody's home. ($56.53 on Amazon)
Show someone you care with Facebook for Dummies, a fat volume explaining the Internet's most self-explanatory website. How to add friends? Click the "Add Friends" button. ($13.19 at Amazon)
Your drinks are safe with this guy. Nobody would dare take a beer from Tex the Armadillo Beverage Holder. ($19.95 at SkyMall)
Patterned pants were popular on Fall 2010 runways, but these Zubaz Zebra Pants owe the 1980s an apology. ($29.99 at Zubaz)
American Lifestyle
How not to tell your loved one you prefer Jennifer Aniston. Tying a red ribbon 'round The Original Hollywood Celebrity Diet Shake. ($28 at American Lifestyle)
A Liquid Lava Light clearly states, "I plan to drop out of college," so skip it lest is drop any hints. ($19.99 at Spencer's)
American Apparel
The only thing worse for your future than purchasing American Apparel stock might be posing for one of Dov's Polaroids.
Quality Silks
The worst part about a Fake Poinsettia Bush? It won't die. ($20.20 at Quality Silks)
The Mel Gibson Ultimate Collection of DVDs says she shouldn't let a man's raging domestic abuse problem get in the way of her entertainment. ($13.88 at Amazon)
Friends shouldn't need to worry that the presents they receive may come pre-roofied. Such may be the case with a bottle of Ed Hardy Cabernet. ($7.99 at Bevmax)
Only go for the Cast Stone Sour Grapes Food Face Plaque Sculpture if you want to scare your vegetarian friend into being a nothing-atarian. ($32 at eCrater)
Not only is it unsightly, the Original Snuggie is so last year. ($14.95 at Snuggie)
It just isn't right to look someone in the eyes and say, "Happy holidays, I hope you like to gnaw on dried beef." Save the Beef Jerky Gift Cooler for your own private chewing pleasure. ($49.99 at
A pen does not need a throne. Even Daddy Warbucks would prefer store credit over a Dacasso Wood and Leather Double Pen Stand. ($61.99 at
Sierra Trading Post
Don't encourage the wearing of pool toys in Business Class. Even one as lovely as the ETA Snoozzz Inflatable Travel Pillow with Fleece Cover. ($5.95 at Sierra Trading Post)
This holiday season, help someone relive the Great Depression with an M.I. Hummel Sunshower Figurine of early 20th century children. ($236.35 at QVC)
Colorful Critters
Nobody wants to see a bad joke, especially when it's raining. You may think a Raining Cats & Dogs Umbrella is clever. It's not. $23.95 at Colorful Critters)
Kitchen Kapers
Fun fact: Cherry season is two months long. Now a question: How many months will a Cherry Chomper sit unused in the drawer? ($12.99 at Kitchen Kapers)
Franklin Mint
As far as we can tell, the actual value of The Complete Franklin Silver Half-Dollar Collection is $4. ($425 at Franklin Mint)
Does anyone need a Bamboo Banana Hanger? We have enough trouble remembering to hang up our coat. ($9.99 at
Little Trees
A car that smells of Piña Colada Little Trees Car Air Freshener, does not an evening of tropical cocktails make. ($1.25 at Little Trees)
FanMats NCAA Logo Car Floor Mats will not, repeat, will not, transform your clunker into a sportscar. ($34.95 per pair at
Choose one: rain boots or shoes. Skip the wholeOvershoe Galosheslook. Ever hear of Hunter Boots? ($22 at
Fine. But you can't be upset when someone drops this Clown Toilet Paper Cover in the toilet "by accident." ($14.95 at
Potpourri Gifts
Highlight the ratio of number of vettes on your newChevy Vette Camp Shirt to the number in your garage. Looks to be around 45:0. ($39.95 at Potpourri Gift)
Potpourri Gifts
Nothing says, "You're frumpy" like a red and green Christmas vest. Except this Pink Snowman Cardigan. Even Grandma would eschew it as unreasonable. ($49.95 at Potpourri Gift)
Kimmel Gnomes
The same way some movies go straight to DVD, this 22-Inch Tall Gnome by MerryWeather is destined straight to eBay. ($499.95 at Kimmel Gnomes)
Gifted Grape
What have corks ever done to deserve a life sentence in cork prison, er, Wine Cork Collection Cage? ($20.95 at Gifted Grape)
Surely a real Mario Batali fan would prefer a meal. ($12.95 at Mario Batali Food Flipper Toy
Paper Source
For the person who likes to carry ignorance, intolerance, and hubris with their keys, we recommend a pink Sarah Palin Talking Key Chain ($11.95 at Paper Source)
Newbury Comics
Difficult to re-gift, this Super Deformed Yoda is, um, deformed. ($9.99 at Newbury Comics)
Pier 1 Imports
A bonehead approach to serving ketchup, mustard and relish. This BBQ Condiment Serving Set is better suited for dollhouse hobbyists. ($34.95 at Pier 1 Imports)
Broadway Panhandler
That the Tropical Collection Bamboo Cutting Boardsare eco-friendly does not save them. Let cutting boards be cutting boards. (Lil' Surfer, $12.95 and Ukulele, $24.95 at Broadway Panhandler)
Sprout Home
Even Grandpa, who's such a prankster, wouldn't stoop this low. The Frozen Smiles Dentures Ice Tray is likely to get you just what you asked for—frozen, mortified smiles. ($8.10 at Amazon)
The Conran Shop
This mouth-blown, lead-crystal Reidel Paloma Decanter was inspired by the form of a white dove. Its pretentious shape kills its utility. ($340 at The Conran Shop)
The Future Perfect
Ha ha, good one. Do you think mom will get David Shrigley's Salt & Pepper Shaker joke? ($120 at The Future Perfect)
The Total Chef Double Chocolate Fondue Fountain is a great idea in theory. Your gift recipient will never use it. If they do, it will likely malfunction, splatter on guests, and damage the rug. ($85.99 at Target)
Fishs Eddy
Artisanal cheese simply does not call for an Artist Palette Cheese Tray. ($24.95 at Fishs Eddy)
Sprout Home
This scary Rabbit Ceramic Mug bears a striking resemblance to The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog, the rabid rodent in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail." ($40 at Sprout Home)
Broadway Panhandler
The Laguiole Rossignol Champagne Sabre is meant for slicing the top of a Champers bottle rather than uncorking it like regular folks. Not only does it hark back to the Napoleonic era, it's moronic. ($349.95 at Broadway Panhandler)
Barneys New York
Stop the insanity! The hackneyed term officially jumps the shark when you see it on a Cashmere Armand Diradourian Pillow. ($135 at Barneys New York)
A tea towel is no place for corny humor -- nor the appropriate arena in which to announce one's crushes. And really, is Owen Wilson seriously on your list? These are not the five Dishes We'd Rather Be Doing. ($15 by dearcolleen on Etsy)
Jonathan Adler
While the name A Brogue for Butter is catchy,we're uncertain why anyone, even shoe fetishists, would opt to serve dairy out of a shoe, no matter how clean and shiny. ($58 at Jonathan Adler)
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