Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and try and fit into your Oscar gown. Remember, margarine gives those hips more slipperiness than regular butter. LET’S GO!
THURGOOD – 9:00PM (HBO) Laurence Fishburne (don’t call him Larry) is the star of this one-man biographical play about Thurgood Marshall, the first African American justice of the Supreme Court. The performance was taped at the Kennedy Center in DC, and the play covers Marshall’s career from “Brown Vs. Board of Education” all the way through his historic breakthrough to the highest court in the land. The secret to his success? Having a really cool name. 65% of all U.S. male babies should be named Thurgood. It’s a brilliant name, I tell you. ANTICIPATION: LEARNING!
MOOSE ATTACK! – 9:00PM (Animal Planet) This one-hour special on moose attacking people comes armed with its own exclamation point, as well it should. No one is going to say, “Moose attack,” in a calm and reasonable manner. Hey, man. Moose attack. Heads up. No, no. If a 60,000-pound moose is charging your pickup truck, you’re going to scream out GAHHHHHH MOOSE ATTACK!!! ITS ANTLERS ARE SOOO BIG!!!! If anything, one exclamation point seems too modest. ANTICIPATION: MOOSE ATTACK!
MAN VS. WILD – 9:00PM (Discovery) Bear travels to Cape Wrath (worst sequel name ever) in Scotland to survive in the harsh cold and wind. He really should have tried Cape Glad just down the road, which I’m told has a golf course. Also, tonight is the night Bear rocks that wetsuit he made out of a dead seal’s hide. I can smell it from here. ANTICIPATION: DEAD SEAL!
JERSEY SHORE – 10:00PM (MTV) Snooki accidentally realizes that she hooked up with Vinny’s cousin. And that she drank a gallon of paint. Also, the Sitch gets left behind when he takes too long to get ready for a night out. Hey, those abs don’t pump themselves. ANTICIPATION: TRASH!
CSI – 9:00PM (CBS) Two men believed dead get up and start walking around, because they’re zombies or something. I dare say this show has run out of legitimate causes of death. ANTICIPATION: THIN!