Wingnuts across America rejoiced yesterday when Barack Obamarecited the oath of office incorrectly, because that means he is not really the president! You see, the oath of office is a magical invocation that must be spoken in precisely the right manner, cadence, and sing-songy voice or else Hillary Clinton becomes President for Life.
A collective yawp of delight emanated from America's wood-paneled basements as a nation of ham radio addicts and oxycontin junkies looked up from the insane ALLCAPS screeds they were typing on "the Googles" and took a moment to praise John Roberts to the skies. This man, this brave interpreter of the Constitution and strict constructionist, saved America from the tyranny of a space alien interloper who was hatched from an egg on his home planet of "Kenya."
It's good that Roberts made this last-minute move to save America, because the other members of the Supreme Court have been completely uncooperative in barring this illegitimate warlock Obama from the presidency. They declined without comment to hear one case alleging that neither Barack Obama nor John McCain were natural born citizens, and then there was another one, by some other guy who also got turned away. Why would the Supreme Court present such a united front to these brave Americans who want only to protect their nation from this treacherous foreigner? Blackmail, probably!
Which is why our hats go off to the brilliant and courageous John Roberts, for putting "faithfully" in the wrong place. Thanks to him, Hillary Clinton can rightfully assume the presidency -- as long as Dick Cheney's willing to relinquish it.
Sara K. Smith also writes for Wonkette, a peer-reviewed journal of jurisprudence.