MINNEAPOLIS, MN - DECEMBER 4: Tim Tebow #15 of the Denver Broncos smiles before the game against the Minnesota Vikings on December 4, 2011 at Mall of America Field at the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome in Minneapolis, Minnesota. The Broncos defeated the Vikings 35-32. (Photo by Hannah Foslien/Getty Images)
Oh, Tim Tebow. Think you've got the NFL world wrapped around your pretty little finger, do you? Think you're the only one with a knack for pulling out miraculous victories that have a distinct whiff of divine intervention? WELL YOU ARE WRONG.
I'm sorry, Tebow. But you aren't the ONLY miracle-maker this NFL season. There is ANOTHER. It's true! There are not one, but TWO comeback kings in the NFL right now. Two Tebows, nee Tebi! There's you, and there's the unstoppable force that is Eli Manning!
Oh, if only people talked about Eli the way they talk about Tebow. Every time Eli does something great, it's like a parent watching their child tie their shoes for the first time. OMG WHEN DID YOU LEARN TO DO THAT LITTLE FELLA?! This is a 30-year-old with a wife and a Super Bowl ring. ELI IS A MAN, DAG GUMMIT! And yet, no one is saying after Eli mounts another comeback that he's some kind of ethereal QUARTERBEING sent by the Heavens to give man faith in both the Lord and in slow throwing mechanics. No, no. Instead, Eli is simply congratulated for a job well done and considered by many to be a worthy addition to the NFL's elite.
When you think about it, Tebow should be considered in similar terms. But because people are annoying, he's been elevated to some kind of magical spirit elephant. Well, I'm not letting Tebow hog all the Intangiscrappitude. I'm putting him head-to-head with Eli to determine QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?!
COMEBACKS: Eli has six comeback wins this season. Tebow also has six comebacks to his name, and has orchestrated four little miracles in a row. HOWEVAH, I would like it noted for the record that Tebow's last two comebacks were made entirely possible by a horrible Christian Ponder interception, and by Marion Barber infecting the Bears with some of the leftover chokery he brought with him from Dallas. Those two late touchdowns that Manning pulled off last night? PURE ELI. EDGE: ELI
FACIAL HAIR: Dude, have you seen Eli's goatee? It's so pathetic. I want to rub Miracle-Gro on it and spray it with water thrice daily. Tebow's stubble is much more well defined. No wispyness of any kind. A gift from the Maker. EDGE: TEBOW
ABILITY TO TURN MY DESIRE FOR THEM TO FAIL INTO MASSIVE SUCCESS: Just yesterday, Brian Urlacher told the press that Tebow is a great "running back," and this was after Tebow beat him! What an idiot. It's time for Tebow haters to shut up, and not because Tebow isn't worth ridiculing (he is!). No, they need to be quiet because it's clear that all Tebow hateration is doomed to backfire, which makes his eventual triumphs are the more grating. I say it's better to believe in Tebow now and watch him crash and burn! EDGE: TEBOW
FINAL JUDGMENT: I think both of these teams are gonna make the playoffs, and I think that Tebow actually has a shot in an underwhelming AFC field, much more so than the Giants, who have no shot of getting past the Packers goliath. But in the end, I must point out that Eli has been doing this miracle stuff for a bit longer than his counterpart. And therefore, I must confer upon him a golden rattle and blue blankie and declare him the MACHOEST OF ALL MACHO MEN. Congrats to you, Eli. From now on, we're calling you Teli.