‘The Hills' Gives Us the Male-Model Action We Deserve

The girls do not compute. Like, in general.
Photo: Courtesy of MTV

Okay, people, the time for a plot change has come to The Hills — and not a minute too soon (though we are eagerly awaiting the spinoff, Decorating With Aud). We begin this week at People’s Revolution, and Kelly’s on speakerphone, telling her staff that she’s going to need help at men’s Fashion Week in New York. Obviously, Lauren and Whitney are chosen for the job, thus reuniting Whit with her long-lost male-model Ivy-graduate crush, Alex. “It’s going to be insane!” says their stereotypically fashion-gay co-worker. Totally!

Over in Speidiwood, Heidi’s upset about losing her job with Brent Bolthouse, so she decides to apply copious amounts of makeup in order to work on her résumé. Spencer is happy that Heidi was fired, because now he has her all to himself. They go out on the town to “celebrate” Heidi’s early retirement, and of course they run into Bolthouse (what a coincidence, MTV producers!). Spencer decides to confront him about Heidi, and Brent tells Spencer that he’s making him “uncomfortable.” Ha! Welcome to our world, Brent-ster. Heidi tries to smooth things over with Brent, and she begs him to take her back. We can see he’s relenting (not surprising, since she was never fired! Since it was never a real job! Since this isn’t real life! Etc.).

Meanwhile, in the land of the employed (we use that word loosely), Lauren and Whitney have arrived in New York. Thank God, because now we get some Kelly Cutrone: When we see her, she’s screaming out instructions to her gaggle of black-clad assistants (“If someone comes up to you and acts like they own the world, do not roll your eyes at them!”). In sail Lauren and Whitney, with their L.A. tans, blonde hair, and pastels. “Where’s your black?” Kelly asks them, wiping the West Coast smiles right off their faces. Heh.

The girls are working the Andrew Buckler show and proceed to flirt with every male model who crosses their path. Sadly, Lauren has STILL failed to wax her mustache, which is particularly unfortunate for this occasion. In walks Alex, and he’s stiff and uncomfortable around Whit. You can’t blame the guy for not wanting to flirt on TV (in his UNDIES). One of the models invites Lauren and Whitney out in the city that night, and everyone’s in. They head to Il Bastardo (really? Il Bastardo? That place is a few blocks from our apartment and we’ve never, ever ventured inside, and from the looks of it, we’ve been right not to), and Whit immediately falls in love with the guy who’s singing in the Snow Patrol ripoff band onstage. She flirts with him and buys him a shot, then leaves with him without telling poor Alex and his trucker hat.

Next week: Holly moves in with L.C. (where has she been living this entire time? In her car?), Heidi gets a second chance at her fake job, and the return of Justin Bobby — toothbrush in tow!

And now, our unequivocal Hills Reality Index:

As Real As Kelly’s Hairdos
• Whitney’s attraction to the singer. Who could resist those ballads and that hair?
• The fact that the hot model Adam is dating a hot model Allie and living with a hot singer Jay. All those hot people do hang out together.
• Alex’s hurt feelings. We think he’s actually, like, a person, as opposed to the other caricatures on this show. How’d the poor guy get involved with this lot?

As Fake As the Male Models’ Tans
• Heidi and Spencer just happen to run into Brent? Right.
• And while we’re on topic, the whole Heidi-being-fired plotline is one of MTV’s lamer creations. Haven’t you guys learned by now that Heidi can’t act?
• The “hip” party at Il Bastardo. That was clearly the only place that would allow The Hills to film inside.

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