Just in time to help us process the inevitable end-of-financial-days malaise, Esquire's January issue delivers a trove of wisdom on life well-lived from 50 luminaries representing all 50 states. We culled a few (context-free!) favorites below:
Chloë Sevigny: "…I don't really have any concept of how money works. I don't know how much things cost. Like a BMW. Or a quart of milk."
Eminem: "I don't know where to go to meet a nice girl."
Eminem, part deux: "I'm a T-shirt guy now. But wifebeaters won't go out of style, not as long as bitches keep mouthing off."
Paris Hilton: "You may not be hot when you're seventy-five in a conventional sense. Like, young people won't think you're hot. But your husband will, and so will people your own age."
Bob Newhart: "The Afghan minister of tourism was assassinated. I'm thinking, What threat did he pose to the Taliban? Who even wants to go to Afghanistan? His phone rings once a month."
Shepard Smith: "That people don't understand the difference between Fox's 'op-ed' page and our news is not about me, it's about them."
Toby Keith: "When somebody comes at me like I'm an ignorant redneck, they find out pretty quick that I can hold an intelligent conversation."
Larry Bird: "I always know what a dog is thinking. I just look at a dog and I know."
Duane "Dog" Chapman: "As a bounty hunter, I have to dress the part. If I came to the door and looked like Carrot Top, you'd laugh."
Steven van Zandt: "I ran out of money every year for the last 30 years."
Gus Van Sant: "Cooking for yourself is kind of strange."