G-Men Wanted | NBC New York

G-Men Wanted

If Obama won't give you a job, maybe the FBI will

    processing...

    NEWSLETTERS

    AFP/Getty Images
    It's the FBI, after all, so they will find out if you wet the bed until you were 15. (This is presumably an undesirable trait, even for management and program analysts.)

    Because Barack Obama can only give jobs to about 2 percent of the more than quarter-million supplicants who want to work for his administration, our nation's ever-swelling ranks of the broke and unemployed are going to have to look elsewhere for relief. Thankfully, another famous government employer is looking for bodies: the FBI.

    The Federal Bureau of Investigation, our desperate nation's last bastion of employment, just announced they'll be hiring for 2,100 positions in the very near future. If you apply now, you might be able to launch an exciting career in any one of these nifty areas:

    • Fingerprint Examiners
    • Physical Surveillance Professionals
    • Woodcrafters
    Uh ... all the other positions are pretty run-of-the-mill: automotive mechanic, management and program analyst, human resources professional, and many other varieties of drone. Of course, to even be considered for any of these positions you will be subjected to an extensive battery of drug and polygraph tests.

    It's the FBI, after all, so they will find out if you wet the bed until you were 15. (This is presumably an undesirable trait, even for management and program analysts.)

    If you're looking to become an actual FBI agent, you can do that too; the agency, as usual, is looking for people who speak the languages commonly used in various war zones around the world. Alas, many of the people who speak such languages tend to have overseas friends and relatives, which makes it harder to get a security clearance due to "interaction with foreigners." So: if you are a hermit who has never even been to Canada and taught yourself Urdu for fun while sitting in your basement, apply to be an FBI agent.

    Good luck, applicants! You'll need it when your friendly FBI screener administers the "probe."

    Sara K. Smith also writes for the national intelligence quarterly Wonkette. This article has already been added to her FBI dossier.