Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV that may make it worth your while to avoid that weekend trip to a bed and breakfast. I hate bed and breakfasts. The owner always wants to hang out with you. What are you, a relative? Go away. Let me eat my breakfast in peace. LET’S GO!
THE OSCARS – 8:30PM Sunday (ABC)
They’re here at last! I’m expecting good things from the Steve Martin/Alec Baldwin twin bill. No reason those two gentlemen can’t keep me entertained all evening long. I have very few hopes for the Oscars each year, but here are a couple of my wishes for this telecast.
First, I hope the audience actually laughs at the hosts’ jokes. You self-absorbed robots absolutely KILLED Jon Stewart by sitting on your hands. They’re jokes. Don’t act so scandalized. Laugh, for crying out loud. It’s not hard. Support your host.
Also, I hope someone wears something really ugly. For far too long now, actresses have avoided wearing hideous garments because they know they’ll get killed for it. Thus, no risks on the red carpet. Come on, ladies. Surely, one of you has the Sandra Bullocks to hit the show wearing a dress made entirely of banana peels. This is why Lady Gaga is cool. That lunatic will wear ANYTHING.
Lastly, I would like it very much if they dialed down the self-congratulation this year. This is, by its very nature, a self-congratulatory event. But the smugness that emanates from that ceremony has grown every year. It’s out of control. You people make movies. You don’t cure autism, no matter what Jenny McCarthy may claim. Show some self-deprecation for once. You won’t die if you do. ANTICIPATION: EXCITED, THEN SLOWLY LET DOWN OVER THE COURSE OF FOUR HOURS
BABA WAWA’S OSCA SPESHA – 7:00PM Sunday (ABC)
It’s Barbara’s final Oscar interview special. Take one last glance at the soft focus shots and aggressively sad line of questioning. Because after this year… POOF! All gone! Sunday, Barbara interviews Sandra Bullock and Mo’Nique. Just two guests? Girl be slippin’. ANTICIPATION: TWEMENDOUS
SNL – 11:30PM Saturday (NBC)
Your host is Zach Galinalonggreeknameis, with music guest Vampire Weekend. Watch Zach’s impression of a gay snake. It will make you happy. ANTICIPATION: TIGERS LOVE PEPPER. THEY HATE CINNAMON.
SAVING PRIVATE RYAN – 8:00PM Sunday (TNT)
Can’t stand watching the Oscars? Then do yourself a favor and watch an actual movie. Like this one. BLOOD! GUNS! VISCERA! GREAT AMERICANS! It’s the total package. ANTICIPATION: REALLY, “SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE” BEAT THIS?
GOODFELLAS – 8:00PM Sunday (AMC)
Am I the only person who doesn’t get AMC in HD? It’s really annoying. Anyway, here’s another Oscar alternative for all the men and/or conservatives out there. Watch how often the censor deploys “freakin.’” HINT: It’s a freakin’ lot! ANTICIPATION: GET YO SHINEBOX