Back in the heydey of hedonist capitalism, famous celebrities and Bill Clinton used to go to the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland once a year to congratulate each other and drink fancy drinks while laughing at poor people. But there will be no such fun shenanigans this year, because the world economy is officially broke and broken, and all the Titans of Industry we used to think were so smart have been exposed as shameful doofuses whose tragically depleted retirement accounts are nothing more than a reflection of their own withered reputations.
Even Bono will be staying home.
Instead of snapping photos of sexy world-saving superstars like Angelina Jolie, guests will have to settle for gloomy chit-chat with Nouriel Roubini by the fondue bar.
The World Economic Forum is going to be such a terrible bummer that the "stars" of this year's event will be creepy Vladimir Putin, a menacing despot who shocked the world with his frightening topless photos;Gordon Brown, a grumpy Scottish nose-picker; and Wen Jiabao, "America's banker."
The gathering promises to be so awful and dull that New York Gov. David Paterson, a man who would probably love to use whatever excuse he can to get out of town for a few days, decided to cite his own "economic crisis" as the reason for scratching his travel plans.
Nobody wants to be seen hobnobbing with a pack of depressoid failures in the world capital of money when we're in the middle of the most horrible economic crisis since the invention of currency. Plus, all the cool kids are hanging out in DC these days anyhow.
The party-planning expert Sara K. Smith writes for Wonkette, a journal on home entertaining and fine dining for high net-worth individuals.