‘The Hills' Gives Us a Quickie Existential Crisis

We just wanted to give you a big ol' close-up of J.B. You're welcome.

Yesterday it was announced that The Hills will return for a fifth season, about which we have mixed feelings. On the one hand: Yay, more Justin Bobby! On the other: Our best friend just told us she’s pregnant, our brother got married last weekend, and we’ll be recapping The Hills … until God knows when. A question to all our readers: When is one too old to recap (or watch, for that matter) an MTV show made for teenagers? In two and half years we’ll be 30 — gasp! — after which we may announce our retirement. [Ed: Don't you even think about it, Rosenblum. These bitches will be with you forever.] For now, though, on with the show...

This week, Whitney and Lauren are hard at fake-work at People’s Revolution when Lauren reveals the interesting tidbit that Heidi’s sister, Holly, who was recently booted from Speidi’s apartment, has been staying in Audrina’s former slave quarters. Whitney weighs in that after such maltreatment Holly doesn’t owe Heidi “any-thin-k,” and Lauren’s expressive eyes agree.

Meanwhile, Justin Bobby and Audrina are taking a romantic walk in Venice Beach — the west side, “my side,” says J.B. — and the lovers sashay past tattoo parlors and dirty surfers. Audrina is wearing a midriff-baring shirt that’s very 1996, and J.B.’s wearing a sweater that may or may not be purposefully ripped (he is a mysterious man). They make plans to go to Mexico, and Justin reflects on the landscape: “There’s something Zenful about it. The sunsets are nice, too.” Oh, Justin, you’re so cute when you make up words!

But Audrina shouldn't be so easily wooed, notes her sister Casey — who is full of wisdom, in spite of her unfortunately wide-set alien eyes. She tells Audrina that she shouldn’t trust Justin, given his shady past behavior. “When it’s good for him, he’s all about it,” says Casey. Or, as the great Roberta Flack would say, “I love him now, it’s true; he likes me, yes, no more than that.” Sing it, sister.

Later on at dinner, Justin Bobby, wearing his uniform of a leather jacket and dorky hat, gives Audrina a gift! It’s a white shirt she wanted, and he tells her to wear it without a bra. If that’s not love, we’ve don’t know what is. “It’s all about growing up — living and learning,” he says, Zenfully.

Now on to Heidi and her job search: We’re going to get through this quickly, because it’s a BORING and STUPID plotline. Heidi and Spencer get into a fight because she blames him for Holly's leaving and the loss of her job (both legit claims). Heidi and her big ol’ cross head over to Bolthouse to beg Slimy Sam for her job back. Surprise! He rehires her. Then big-mouth Stephanie ruins the moment of joy by telling Heidi and Spencer that Holly is staying at Lauren’s. Spencer, wisely, blames Heidi’s "stalker mom." The end!

Next week. Lauren hooks up with Justin Bobby! NOOOOOOOOOO. Then she cries, probably because he smelled so bad from not showering for three years.

And now, our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index:

As Real As Spencer Is Bored All Day
• The fact that Lo tells Holly that she doesn’t have to clean while she stays at their house. They obviously have some servant who does that for them.
• Audrina tells J.B. that she’s never dated a guy her age; if we’ve seen one dirty-old-man whore, we’ve seen them all.
• J.B.’s toothbrush. Even though we don’t get to see it, we believe it’s at Aud’s house, in all its grungy glory.

As Fake As Lo’s Hospitality
• Holly’s decision to move into Lauren’s house. Uh-huh.
• Heidi’s employment. Too annoying to address.
• Heidi’s cleavage during her "meeting." Well, the cleavage is real; the breast-eses are not.

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