Imaginary Eavesdropping on Sarah Palin and Henry Kissinger

Photo-illustration: Everett Bogue; Photos: Getty Images

This week, Sarah Palin is paying visits to several foreign leaders while they are in New York attending the opening of the United Nations. She'll meet with Afghani President Hamid Karzai, Colombian President Álvaro Uribe, Iraqi President Jalal Talabani, Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili, and, of course, Bono. But one of her most high-stakes meetings will surely be the one that's planned between the Alaska governor and Henry Kissinger, the former Secretary of State and the archduke of conservative foreign policy. The meeting is scheduled to take place today. We've used our usual political prescience to predict how their conversation will go down:

[The setting is an expansive suite in the Waldorf=Astoria, with many dimly lit lamps and a couple of Tocca scented candles. Kissinger sits, legs crossed, in a giant, heavily-upholstered winged chair. He is tapping his fingers together gently. A black lab sits at his feet. Sarah Palin enters, looking nervous. She approaches quietly, with her head lowered, and curtsies.]

Kissinger: Vell, hello there.
Palin: It's such an honor to meet you, Your Majesty.
Kissinger: Could you fetch a bowl of vater for my dog here? He eez thirsty.
Palin: Oh! Um, this is awkward. I'm not a hotel employee. I'm Sarah Palin? You know, the hockey mom? Pitbull with lipstick? Energy-policy expert? Drill baby drill?
Kissinger: [To black lab] Vucking hell.

Palin: Oh, don't you worry about it for one minute. Everybody always thinks I'm a greeter at Wal-Mart — it's the combination of my glasses and spunk. A greeter at the Waldorf=Astoria is a step up, really!
Kissinger: So zey tell me you are an expert on foreign policy, particularly with Russia.
Palin: Oh, yes. If you count Russia, Alaska shares a border with two different countries. Really big countries!
Kissinger: Zen I am very interested in vat you think of my legacy of realpolitik.
Palin: In what respect?
Kissinger: Vell, vat do you interpret it to be?
Palin: You mean your worldview? I think when someone like you says "Real Politics," you mean a clear, honest effort to rid the world of Islamic extremism, terrorists who are hell-bent in destroying our nation. There have been blunders along the way, though. There have been mistakes made, and with new leadership, and that's the beauty of American elections, of course, and democracy, is with new leadership comes opportunity to do things better.
Kissinger: I see. Can you get that bowl of vater for my dog, please?
Palin: Oh, I thought I just explained. I'm not a concierge — I'm Sarah Palin, I'm the woman John McCain selected as his vice-presidential running mate.
Kissinger: I know.
Palin: Oh! Sure, okay. So, you're German, right? I've been to Germany!
Kissinger: I am American.
Palin: Then why do you talk that way? You don't even say the "s" at the end of "politics."
Kissinger: [After a lengthy pause, during which Palin fills a water bowl for the dog and begins petting it.] So, what do you think about China's influence on American financial institutions zese days?
Palin: I have a lot of experience on this issue. Under my watch, Alaska sold 27 percent more fish to China than ever before.
Kissinger: And Southeast Asia?
Palin: I know Senator John S. McCain spent a lot of formative years over there, so we're very pro–Southeast Asia. We wouldn't be where we are today without that region.
Kissinger: [Looking around the room at his lavish surroundings] You can say zat again.
Palin: We wouldn't be where we are today without that region.
Kissinger: Come closer for a moment. Has anyone ever told you that you look a little like a brunette Jill St. John?
Palin: Is she a real saint? I haven't heard of that one. But I am in full support of the war in Iraq, just like God!
Kissinger: [Softly] You know, power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
Palin: I certainly don't think we should elect someone just because he is black, if that's what you mean.
Kissinger: Vat?
Palin: You know, they say you were a maverick. I'm a maverick, too! We should be buddies! I have so many questions for you, especially about places I don't know much about, like Cambodia, Argentina, Bolivia, Bangladesh...
Kissinger: [To dog] Töten Sie sie.

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