We thought our love for you would never fade — that though farmhouse, apple-cured, chocolate-covered and gummy, you'd always have our hearts. But the Internet has turned you into a real jerk. When you turned up as the Burning Man-inspired Bacon Man, we knew you had become a parody of your former self: like a late-stage Brando fanning himself in the inexplicable "The Island of Doctor Moreau."
And now you've gone and done this to yourself. Squeez Bacon, the bacon in a tube, even has its own silly commercial that manages to give derogatory treatment to good taste as well as the good people of Sweden. Well, Bacon, we are leaving you. We draw the line at silly parody gags worthy of Wacky Packs. Maybe one day you will regain some sense of pride, and we'll welcome you back the way Hollywood has embraced the return of Mickey Rourke, but until then, Bacon, we are through.
P.S. Bacon Explosion may have been idiotic, but at least it was real.