Why Stop With Hank Aaron's Home Run Record?

I don't know if you know this or not, but since he's commissioner of Major League Baseball, Bud Selig seems to think this gives him special privileges that nobody else in America is entitled to. Why, as commissioner of baseball he's not bound by the ex post facto laws of our society, which means he's allowed to suspendAlex Rodriguez for breaking rules that weren't yet in place.

Though why would Big Bad Bud stop there? I mean, even though Selig doesn't have any real proof that Barry Bonds ever did steroids, since we're all pretty sure he does then he's going to strip Barry of the home run record and give it back to Hank Aaron. But why not keep going, Bud? Let's take this all the way round third and head for home shall we?

Here are a few other folks who I'm pretty sure cheated, and since I'm putting this on the Internet, that means it has to be true. Now Bud can use his unyielding power to make these changes to the game's history as well.

- Roger Clemens did steroids. He also played on two World Series champions in 1999 and 2000 as a member of the New York Yankees -- titles that in no way could have been achieved without the super pitching power steroids gave the Rocket, so we must strip the Yankees of their titles. Let's give them to the Mariners and Padres instead, they need them. Congratulations, guys!

- Have you seen Albert Pujols? That guy is huge. He's like a walking vial of HGH, and as performance-enhancers personified, he led the Cardinals to a World Series title in 2006. Well not anymore he didn't. We're taking that one away too. I'd give it to the Tigers, but Kenny Rogers totally cheated by using pine tar in that Series as well, so instead we'll give it to the Nationals. Welcome back, fellas!

- You know who else did the steroids? That Rafael Palmeiro guy. You know who Palmeiro played with as an Oriole from 1994-98? Cal Ripken. The same Cal Ripken who played in 2,632 straight games, no doubt because some of the steroids Raffy took rubbed off on him. I mean, we all know Miguel Tejada did them and he was only able to play in 1,152 straight, so whatever Cal was on had to be twice as strong. You're the Ironman once more, Lou Gehrig. Accepting in your honor will be Robert Downey Jr.

- Cy Young won 511 games. Can we honestly think he wasn't using steroids? After all, numbers are the same in any era right, so by that logic he had to be. The Cy Young Award will now be called the Super Steroid Free Pitcher Of The Year Award. We could go after Walter Johnson too, but since he doesn't have any awards named after him, it will do nothing for public relations, and is therefore pointless.

- Darryl Strawberry said the 1986 Mets were coked up all the time, and even said they had sex with a cute "little Florida girl." So drugs and sex with a minor? How can we not take away the Mets' World Series championship in 1986? Congratulations, Red Sox, the Curse of the Bambino ended 23 years ago. Of course, this also means we'll have to take away Dan Shaughnessy's career, but so be it.

- What about that David Eckstein? I don't think he did steroids, but man I can't stand that guy. He shall be publicly executed for entertainment value as part of Rickey Henderson and Jim Rice's induction into the Hall of Fame.

- Jose Canseco did steroids, he even wrote books about it and got this whole thing started. He also won a World Series with the Oakland Athletics in 1989, along with that other cheater Mark McGwire. I'm giving this one to the White Sox because Dave Stewart ruined most of my childhood on those teams.

And finally.

- How could we forget the man who stood atop and let all of this happen in an effort to get people to forget about the World Series he canceled? Yes, you, Bud Selig. You are hereby stripped of your title as King of Baseball and we will now reinstate the corpse of Fay Vincent. His dead body doesn't stink as much as you do, and as a deceased man, there is no way he could mess this game up any worse than you.

Did I forget anything?

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