Christmas is two days away. Have you finished your shopping yet? No? Well, what are you waiting for, man?! GET ON IT! Don’t you know that Christmas will be ruined and the world will collapse upon itself if you don’t run to the mall right now and fight off bloodthirsty tribes of suburbanites in order to procure a Suncoast Pictures gift card for your aunt? Don’t even deny it won’t happen, because it will.
The holiday had me thinking about the NFL, and what certain coaches and players might have on their respective wishlists. Now, it isn’t easy to shop for NFL icons. They already have so much, including that platinum hot tub (three in Ocho’s house alone). So what do you get the NFL’s biggest names? I have a few ideas.
Rex Ryan – Framed photo of Bridget Fonda’s feet signed by Quentin Tarantino
DeSean Jackson – NFL field reduced to 99 yards in length
Randy Moss – Gift certificate to Golden Corral
Michael Vick – New puppy (NOTE: Designated for Christmas 2011 by order of a Federal Court)
Donovan McNabb – 800-word Mike Wilbon column explaining how classy you are and very subtly hinting that race may have played a factor in your exit from Washington
Brett Favre – iPhone with disabled camera
Jenn Sterger – Nude photos of Jake Plummer
Josh McDaniels – Copy of “The Last Emperor” on DVD, small cricket trapped in a box
Tom Brady – Curling iron
Peyton Manning – Six-pack of healthy undrafted white wide receivers
Peter King – Land
Norv Turner – Matt Dodge
Roger Goodell – Fur handcuffs (he asks for these every darn year)
Ben Roethlisberger – Collective restraining order from all American women under the age of 26
Pete Carroll – Pom poms
Clay Matthews – Scrunchie
Gary Kubiak – Gold watch
Marvin Lewis – Brass watch (bought used by the Brown family)
Carson Palmer – Cushy job in the insurance business
Mike Singletary – Third awful QB named Smith, XXXL crucifix medallion
Jeff Fisher – Photo of Vince Young trapped at the bottom of a well
Mike Shanahan – Debronzer
Albert Haynesworth – Wii Fit
Bob Papa – Capable booth analysts
Bob Costas – Extra year supply of face varnish
Ray Lewis – Chef’s knife
Andy Reid – Four extra red flags per game
The Bills – Greyhound bus fare to Canada
Jerry Jones – Reasonable expectations
Yours in the comments. Merry Christmas, gang.