Black Eyed Peas Playing Super Bowl Halftime Because the NFL Hates You

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has a reputation for stern punishments. And since we’ve all been apparently quite naughty this year, he decided to hand down perhaps his cruelest sentence of all. That’s right. The Black Eyed Peas are officially your Super Bowl halftime entertainment:

The Black Eyed Peas, the musical phenomenon that energizes crowds around the world, will perform in the Bridgestone Super Bowl XLV Halftime Show on FOX at Cowboys Stadium in North Texas on Sunday, Feb. 6, the NFL announced today on national television during NFL on FOX coverage of the New Orleans Saints at Dallas Cowboys game.

This hiring has been in the rumor mill for months now, but that doesn’t take the sting and hurt out of yesterday’s announcement. One of you had to have screwed up royally to cause the NFL to exercise the Peas option. Was it you, Charlie Sheen? I bet it was. You have blood on your hands today, sir.

If this is the NFL’s solution to spending years and years of trotting out increasingly old and frail musical acts for its halftime shows, then I say, by all means, BRING ON THE CORPSE OF GENE PITNEY. I know the Black Eyed Peas have sold millions of records around the world. I just don’t know anyone who’s ever bought them. I suspect those CDs were gobbled up the world’s large population of GM commercial music supervisors.

Obviously, there’s no single musical act that will please every football fan out there. Except for Queens of the Stone Age. They would please everyone. What’s that, you say? They wouldn’t please every football fan? To that I say: IF YOU DON’T LOVE JOSH HOMME, YOU DON’T REALLY LOVE FOOTBALL ANYWAY AND YOUR POINT IS MOOT.

The Peas will be playing their special brand of Autotuned jingles for the NFL on Feb. 6th. You, of course, are not obligated to watch the halftime show. In fact, I strongly urge you to take the fifteen or so minutes allotted to the Peas to sniff dryer sheets. I promise you no one will think worse of you for it.

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