Monday Watch List: The Royal Wedding Lunacy Begins

Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and let Carmelo Anthony take just one more ill-advised jump shot. LET’S GO!

WILLIAM & KATE – 9:00PM (Lifetime) We’re but eleven days away from the Royal Wedding. And can you believe the Royal Family was too cheap to spring for a weekend wedding? Someone was taking advantage of off-peak Abbey rates, that’s for sure. Anyway, the feeding frenzy for all things William and Kate begins tonight with this Lifetime docudrama (And I cannot de-emphasize the “docu” part enough) about the couple’s courtship starring Nico Evers-Swindell as the Prince and Camilla Luddington as Kate Middleton. I wish my wedding had included a pre-produced TV movie. They would have done an expert job depicting me throwing up in my fiancee’s bed. ANTICIPATION: ROYAL-EY!

20/20 – 10:00PM (ABC) Baba Wawa hosts this Royal Wedding pregame special entitled “William and Catherine: A Modern Fairytale.” And it is just like a fairy tale. Once upon a time, a really rich young man stumbled upon a smoking hot co-ed, then strung her along for eight years and broke up with her once so he could go date other hot women, then decided she was cool enough to finally marry. And they lived happily ever after. ANTICIPATION: JUST LIKE CINDERELLA!

ANTHONY BOURDAIN: NO RESERVATIONS – 9:00PM (Travel Channel) Tony hits Boston tonight. And is beaten with a tire iron for not pronouncing “chowder” correctly. IT’S CHOWDAH! I’LL KILL ALL OF YOU! ESPECIALLY THOSE OF YOU ON THE JURY! ANTICIPATION: CHOWDAH!

DANCING WITH THE STARS – 8:00PM (ABC) The dancers honor Patriot’s Day (I never know when this holiday is. It’s like the Passover of random commemorative holidays) by performing routines set to songs honoring America. And what better way to honor our founders than to have Kirstie Alley dance an awkward tango to “My Country Tis Of Thee”? ANTICIPATION: PATRIOTIC!

AMERICAN MASTERS – 9:00PM (PBS) A profile of John Muir, who founded the Sierra Club. The Sierra Club? I love Sierra games! “King’s Quest”! “Space Quest”! “Phantasmagoria”! We were talking about the video game developer, yes? ANTICIPATION: TREEHUGGIN’!

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