We Cast the New “Dirty Dancing”

If Hollywood insists on remaking the 1987 Patrick Swayze/Jennifer Grey romance, they can at least heed our advice.

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No one could ever replace Patrick Swayze but, thanks to "Crazy Stupid Love," we know Gosling’s got some of the right moves and we’d love to hear his cover of “She’s Like the Wind,” complete with ukulele.
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Since women in Hollywood are no longer allowed to be quirky or unusual looking like original star Jennifer Grey, finding the right girl to play Frances “Baby” Houseman is going to be quite the undertaking but at least "Glee" star Lea Michelle has a nose that comes from nature, not the doctor as a bat mitzvah present.
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Of course, we fear that the studio will have its own ideas about who should play these iconic characters. And we shudder to think about it (but we will anyway)...
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We can just see them wanting to pair up real-life couple Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez as Johnny Castle and "Baby" Houseman 2.0. You know a phone call has already been made to bring the Biebs onboard as you read this.
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Skewing younger, this new "Dirty Dancing" could present an opportunity for a "Step Up" movie tie-in. Imagine: Tyler Gage (Channing Tatum) teaches dance at Kellerman’s performing arts summer camp. It could happen.
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EMPTY_CAPTION"Ideal" casting aside, let's focus on the actual dancing, shall we? Here's a potential cast that would make for the most engaging rug-cutting...
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Hey, if you’re gonna make it weird, let’s make it all the way weird. Why not have brother and sister duo Derek and Julianne Hough re-imagine Johnny and Baby as a "Flowers in the Attic"-style forbidden love? It would make for great dance sequences, and it would render notorious hoofer Christopher Walken (who could be cast as Baby's doctor father) the least odd thing in the movie.
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Incidentally, Hough carried the original Frances “Baby” Houseman, Jennifer Grey ( at age 50!) to victory in Season 11 of "Dancing with the Stars." Grey won the competition over actor Kyle Massey, Bristol Palin, Emmit Smith, and Mel B.
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OK, so there's our acceptable casting, our feared casting, and our oddball (but technically sound) casting. How about an even edgier version of "Dancing"? We can just see...
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The version that indie fans could cheer: Mila Kunis, Natalie Portman, Lady Gaga. "Black Swan" co-stars Kunis and Portman star in this remake/spin-off as dancers on Lady Gaga’s world tour, where fantasy and reality collide as love is a four letter word. It would have a great soundtrack too.
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Cynthia Rhodes (seen here alongside Swayze), who played troubled resort dancer Penny, was actually the first person cast in the original 1987 "Dirty Dancing."
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There has already been a remake/sequel of sorts, and that would be 2004's "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights" starring Diego Luna and Romola Garai. It hit #11 on Entertainment Weekly's list of the 25 Worst Sequels Ever Made.
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Luna and Garai weren't the top choices to play Katey and Javier. The producers originally meant to pair up Natalie Portman and Ricky Martin.
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EMPTY_CAPTION"Havana Nights" does share a connection with the original film. In one scene, Garai's Katey walks into a dance studio were she gets a quick lesson from the resident instructor: Patrick Swayze. Looks like Johnny Castle moved south...
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