news

Successful couples use these 3 therapist-designed communication tools to solve conflict

In January, U-Haul released its Growth Index ranking the states where people moved to in 2023.
Cavan Images | Cavan | Getty Images

In any long-term partnership, it's common for a trivial skirmish to become a months or even years-long battle. Almost half, 45%, of Americans in serious relationships say they argue multiple times a month or more, according to a 2022 YouGov poll of 1,000 adults.

While conflict is sometimes necessary, learning how to find your way out of it is, too.

Here are three therapist-approved exercises that can help you communicate with and, more importantly, listen to your partner as you navigate friction.

Watch NBC 4 free wherever you are

Watch button  WATCH HERE

1. "I statements"

During a fight, it's easy to focus on why you believe your partner is wrong. This is counterproductive, Lisa Marie Bobby, a relationship psychologist and founder of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching in Denver told CNBC Make It.

Get Tri-state area news delivered to your inbox with NBC New York's News Headlines newsletter.

Newsletter button  SIGN UP

Instead of harping on your partner's actions, tell them what you're feeling and experiencing using "I statements."

"When you're doing 'I statements' you're being careful to acknowledge the fact that the other person could see things differently," she said. "That's why they are so powerful and a very effective communication strategy that can reduce the possibility of a courageous conversation turning into an unproductive conflict."

2. 'What would your ideal dream be?'

There are three categories that almost also problems fall into, according to the renowned psychologist John and Julie Gottman:

  • Solvable problems: This conflict is about a singular issue, like doing the laundry, and there might not be a deeper meaning behind each partner's position.
  • Perpetual problems: These occur because of fundamental differences in personalities or lifestyle choices.
  • Gridlock perpetual problems: This is a perpetual problem that has been mishandled. Discussion about these issues can feel repetitive and exhausting.

The mistake most couples make is "that they fight to win, which means somebody has to lose," John Gottman said at a TED Talk last year. "What do the masters do, instead? They fight to understand."

In order to fight to understand, ask your partner how they came to their conclusion and what their "ideal dream" in this situation would be. This puts you both on the same team, working toward solving the same problem, as opposed to seeing each other as opponents.

3. Transcribe your partner's argument

Expressing validation is especially important during fights, Caroline Fleck, who is an adjunct clinical instructor at Stanford University and author of the upcoming book "Validation," told CNBC Make It.

Many couples get stuck in conflict because they don't feel understood by their partner.

"Over the course of a 20-minute argument people are just repeating the same points," Fleck said. "They're coming out in different ways, but they are repeating the same point because they don't feel heard."

When a couple is having a tough time considering each other's perspective, she has them use the "Rapoport technique."

The strategy, developed by John Gottman and used during couples therapy, asks one person to express their points and the other to write down what their partner is saying and then read it back. If they get parts wrong, the speaker is allowed to correct them. Then, they switch.

″[The couples] stopped coming up with their counterargument, and they started really just listening," she said. "I'm not saying they have to understand or even empathize with the other person's perspective. I just want them to hear it."

This recognition immediately decreases tension and serves as a first step toward finding a solution.

Want to up your AI skills and be more productive? Take CNBC's new online course How to Use AI to Be More Successful at Work. Expert instructors will teach you how to get started, practical uses, tips for effective prompt-writing, and mistakes to avoid. Sign up now and use coupon code EARLYBIRD for an introductory discount of 30% off $67 (+ taxes and fees) through February 11, 2025.

Copyright CNBC
Contact Us