From the people who brought you The Week in Craig, one of the all time great uses of the internet, comes The Week in Yelp, wherein Amy Blair takes aim at the ridiculousness that is the world of Yelp. Her intrepid Yelp-surfing, and words, follow:
All of my friends are crazy excited for this evening's Vice Presidential debate (even more so than they were for last week's Presidential debate, I think). It seems to me that the excitement stems from the same psychological place that prompted the ancient Romans to trek over to the Coliseum on their days off to watch one gladiator slaughter another, and we should probably all be a little ashamed of our thirst for bloodsport in this day and age. But enough philosophy, I just wanna see someone get HOUSED.
So, in anticipation of the big event, this week I present a little civics lesson care of the good citizens of Yelp. Gladiators are you ready?
To kick things off, first we have a fawning review of a middle eastern market where a queen feeds the tired and the homeless, sells Odwalla juice, engages in political discussions during the debates and generally acts like yo’ mama…all while fighting crime, feeding the children, and generally bringing joy and peace unto the land. Well, according to this wackjob reviewer, anyway…
Amazing. Queen of Sheba is one of those places that every store should be like. The staff is the most friendly and considerate group of people I have ever encountered. I watched some of the last democratic debate there and had a wonderful political conversation with some other locals. The Queen (Galia) is a very sweet woman. She is compassionated to the homeless who come into the store, and she will feed you if you look tired. kind of like a really overbearing mother, but in a good way. If you want Odwalla juice, she will stock it for you... If you want to talk about your ex-girlfriend, she will listen... Really, If every corner market was run like this, crime would be a thing of the past... Thank you.
Wow. Um, so if every corner market was run by a nice lady who listens to you whine about your ex-girlfriend there would be no crime? Ok, sure.
So, next we have a review of a Mexican café where you can apparently eat tamales while you vote. I don’t know about you, but personally I vote at the elementary school across the street from my apartment, not at a Mexican restaurant. But apparently that’s California for ya.
Citizenry with a side of sour cream.
I've been here twice. Once for food. Once to vote. Tamales? Good. Voting?...Seriously, California we elect representatives for the purpose of legislative representation. Not every debatable issues needs to devolve into a poorly worded, ill-considered amendment or proposition to be decided by popular vote. Well-intentioned tyranny of the majority is tyranny still.
Again, the tamales are quite delicious.
Ok, um, so I really have no idea what this lady was talking about, since I kinda thought that when propositions are decided by popular vote that’s, like, democracy and stuff. But whatever. Tyranny with tamales is certainly better than tyranny without.
I kind of like the image of these “election nerds” in this next review drinking $10 martinis in “shorty” glasses at Tonic, glued to the television during a presidential debate, while downstairs they are blasting Rihanna to a packed crowd of gyrating douchebags. Oh nerds, how I do love thee!
Well, fine I guess. I mean, what do you expect from this neighborhood? The space is large and there are tvs as far as the eye can see (on both floors). I like that they pour the martinis (which I thought were sizable and decently strong, even for $10) in the shorty vs. stemmed glasses, because let's face it - not practical in a crowded bar.
I was here on an unusual night - watching the first presidential debate - but it was definitely packed downstairs away from us election nerds, and the music was pumping loudly. If you're looking for a lively, albeit kind of tool-ish scene in this bastard of a New York neighborhood where you might here Rihana squeaking, "Umbrella, ella, ella, ay, ay, ay..." you'll be satisfied.
It’s kind of cute, no?
And last but not least, we all know that one of the Vice Presidential candidates (who shall go unnamed) is dreading this debate. For that reason, I present this review of Wok Master II in Los Angeles, and the most horrible (HORRIBLE) kind of debate I can possibly imagine…
i work on melrose/la brea and was really sick of everything on melrose, so i decided to walk down la brea to grab some lunch. but i forgot that la brea is all furniture stores and hasidic jews, so i had to go all the way down to beverly. i decided to pass on the bougie-looking cafe/bakery with a huge "we brew starbucks" sign and decided on the wok master cuz a few people were lined up for take out.
i made a huge mistake.
i tried to order cha siew fan with my fake cantonese but they gave me "lunch special K - bbq pork w/vegetables." it was only $5.36 and came out quick, but just not good. i was expecting bbq pork and some bok choy on the side, but the pork was fried with the vegetables in a nasty cornstarch sauce. the rice was overcooked and the egg roll was a lukewarm vegetable-only turd. it wasn't bad enough to make me angry, but while walking back i seriously debated forcing myself to throw up and getting pinkberry.
That’s quite a debate this dude was having. And, um, I don’t know about you, but if I were a certain Vice Presidential candidate, I might opt to just vomit up the lukewarm vegetable turd I just ate and then get some Pinkberry rather than going through with this evening. It would probably be better…for all of us.
PS. Note to Pinkberry. Will you please just go away already? Thank you.
—Amy BlairFor more stories from Eater, go to eater.com.