Fug Girls: Tyra Is Our Own ‘National Treasure: Book of Secrets’

Tyra beams down from the mother ship.

Maybe we're improving at this whole prognosticating thing — we just nailed the Project Runway winner for the first time, and now we were two-thirds correct in our America's Next Top Model predictions. Tomboy boxer McKey bested tomboy mallrat Samantha to snag the title, earning herself a billboard in Times Square and a year of spewing marketing dreck and "inspirational advice" on future cycles of America's Next Top Model. But as usual, it was Miss Tyra who stole the show. Read on for our take on her otherworldly shoulder pads — if you did not notice them, it might be because they gruesomely blinded you — and the rest of the fairly run-of-the-mill finale.

Jessica: So much for Analeigh — she didn't even make it past the first cut. I am a terrible prognosticator.
Heather: Maybe they are terrible JUDGES.
Jessica: Maybe they are all terrible MODELS. Except, actually, I think they're okay models. They ARE terrible walkers, though.
Heather: They are. It was a wretched fashion show. If they're going to pay to keep Miss J around, they really need at least one more walking lesson before the finale.
Jessica: Although the fact that they made them run up a hill is hilarious. I really wanted someone to face-plant.
Heather: The girls looked petrified every time they had to accelerate, like they were holding their breaths. But that aside, I actually felt like the runway show lacked any kind of tension. It looked like it cost five bucks and felt like they were trying to cut around how awful the walks were.
Jessica: The entire episode was kind of boring compared to past ones. It's hard when you don't hate one of the finalists, and they don't hate each other.
Heather: I would've liked to see Analeigh against McKey up there. She got jobbed. I can't figure out why they cut her and not Sam — neither of them produced one great commercial take, but Analeigh at least provided better snippets. The bits they used with her in the final version totally outdid Sam's. And I thought Analeigh's CoverGirl picture was better.
Jessica: I thought so too. Maybe they flipped a coin.
Heather: Paulina barely masked her desire for Analeigh to go home. For whatever reason she has problems with Analeigh's face. Which … I mean, we should all be so lucky as to have her face.
Jessica: Honestly, I didn't really love McKey's photo either. I think it's her haircut, but something about her picture just reminded me of the photos in those books of hairstyles they have at hair salons for some reason, even though the books haven't been updated since like 1986.
Heather: I think it is just the haircut — overall, I thought McKey's face looked the best.
Jessica: They gave her an awful, awful makeover.
Heather: It may, in fact, have come from one of those 1986 books.
Jessica: Good for her, though — she rose above it and she seems like a nice kid. I wonder if she'll go back to her real name next time we see her.
Heather: I thought the same thing. Clearly she's been sitting at home the past few months going, "Shit. I really wish I'd put more thought into it when I chose 'McKey.'"
Jessica: I do have to admit that I love the interstitials they've added where Nigel catches us up on what people are up to since we last saw them — especially when they've totally undone Tyra's makeover.
Heather: And it has turned out to be the key to their success, like with Anya. You just know that in two weeks we'll find out McKey is ditching both her fake name AND her makeover.
Jessica: And then there’s Sam. Poor Sam. I really liked her, but I just never saw her winning.
Heather: Maybe SHE will undo her makeover and end up a star in an interstitial next season.
Jessica: I hope so. She's so funny, and as it turns out, she can take seriously awesome editorial photos.
Heather: It was an interesting final three — none of them were that naturally great from the get-go. They all had to grow into it. I bet none of the judges would've predicted even two of these three would've made it this far, much less all of them.
Jessica: Tyra loves it when people learn and grow.
Heather: Wait. Can we stop for a minute and discuss her OUTFITS?
Jessica: Speaking of Tyra, can we talk about her outfits please?
Heather: YES. Ha!
Jessica: GREAT MINDS. OMG.
Heather: WHAT WAS HER WARDROBE ABOUT TONIGHT?!?
Jessica: MAGICAL.
Heather: A skintight romper-hot-pants combo with three-foot ruffles on the shoulders?
Jessica: I fugged that earlier in the year on Selma Blair. I never thought I would see it on Tyra freaking Banks.
Heather: I'm not sure which of them should be more depressed by that coincidence. At least on Selma it didn't read like it had a curtain rod in the back holding the sleeves out.
Jessica: It was spectacular.
Heather: And the SECOND ONE, with the sharp shoulder pads … somebody wants to be Joan Collins.
Jessica: I also thought she sort of looked like she had just beamed down from the mother ship.
Heather: Well, that IS how the season began. Maybe it was a callback. Or an accident.
Jessica: She is a mystery. I treasure her. Tyra is my own National Treasure: Book of Secrets.
Heather: I would love it if it turned out our forefathers wrote a secret message on the back of the Declaration of Independence that explained the inner workings of Tyra's mind.
Jessica: Her wigs plus Nic Cage's hair … thing … would be too much for one film to contain.
Heather: "Eleven score and two years from now, a woman will stand before you with pointed shoulders…"
Jessica: She is amazing. And crazy. She is cramazing.
Heather: I think that word actually IS in the Declaration somewhere. It's so Thomas Jefferson.
Jessica: This is so a tangent that no one will appreciate the way we do.
Heather: I just watched Book of Secrets yesterday. It's still the worst.
Jessica: IT is CRAMAZING. I can't turn it off if I happen to find it on the TV.
Heather: Much like ANTM marathons. Hello, full circle!
Jessica: Thank God. I'm running out of steam on this one. I wish someone had fallen off the boat. Or been pushed.
Heather: Seriously. Take heed, future models. Screw winning; give us a finale catfight we won't want to delete right away.