Jessica Biel Draws Short Straw

As we type this post, this year's Academy Awards host Hugh Jackman is likely topless and holed up in the recesses of the Kodak Theatre rehearsing a show-stopping Bollywood number with Bruce Vilanch, Freida Pinto, and the ghost of Jack Palance, set to the pulsating rhythms of A.R. Rahman.

Meanwhile, poor Jessica Biel -- no doubt still cleaning up from the surprise Super Bowl birthday party she threw for Justin Timberlake over the weekend -- just got the phone call that every young Hollywood hottie dreads to receive: an invitation to host the AMPAS Scientific & Technical awards this Saturday. Unlike the hosting gig that Jackman landed, there is very little prestige in getting slobbered over by a bunch of socially challenged geeks who found work in the least glamorous positions available in the world's most glamorous industry.

As a reward for developing things like fluid-simulation systems and designing battery-operated fog machines (no joke, those are two of the awards that got handed out last year), with very little fanfare, the powers-that-be at AMPAS call on one of Hollywood's fairest young maidens, pure of heart but also big of bosom, to host the event each year. Lest you think that this is anything other than a conscious decision by horny nerds, consider that the last twelve hosts of the show have all been uber-hotties like Scarlett Johansson, Salma Hayek, Jennifer Garner, and Jessica Alba. In fact, the last non-female host of the show was Richard Dreyfuss, who got the call when Mr. Holland's Opus was tearing up the box office back in 1996.

So while Jessica Biel drew the short straw this time around, she will no doubt rest peacefully on Saturday night, knowing full well that she paid her dues to the Hollywood machine (i.e., she'll never have to host the program again). And oh yeah, one last thing: Hey Megan Fox, if you're reading this, now might be a good time to give your travel agent a call and make sure you're out of the country this time next year. Because guess what? You're probably next!

Geek Oscars Bag Jessica Biel

Previously on's Vulture...

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