"Saturday Night Live" went all-in on coverage of the David Petraeus scandal, kicking off with a C-SPAN reading of Paula Broadwell's Petraeus biography that sounded more like “50 Shades of Gray.”
Later, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie bantered with Weekend Update's Seth Meyers on the recovery from superstorm Sandy.
Cecily Strong played Paula Broadwell for the show's cold open mocking the Petraeus scandal. Strong's Broadwell read in a monotone voice faux excerpts from "All In," where the military events being chronicled took a backseat to descriptions of her "dirty" exploits with the former general.
“Creating an Afghan national army that can take the field against the Taliban is the primary focus of U.S. military policy in the region,” Strong read. “After two years of training, the men of Afghanistan’s fifth Kabul Division appear up to the task.
“Standing proudly at attention on the tarmac at Bagram Airbase, eyes front, they barely seem to notice as General Petraeus and I went at it like running baboons behind a jeep, just 50 feet away.”
All audience members, save one engrossed person, eventually walked away from the reading disgusted.
A later "SNL" segment with Jason Sudeikis as CNN’s Wolf Blitzer poked fun at the news channel’s lack of footage in reporting on Jill Kelley, the Tampa socialite at the center of the Petraeus scandal. "The Situation Room" repeatedly showed the same video of Kelley walking to her car, sometimes in slow motion or reverse. The segment later offered a dramatization of the same footage, showing this time Tim Robinson dressed as Kelley.
On “Weekend Update,” host Seth Meyers also joked about the scandal that led to Petraeus' resignation as CIA director over an extramarital affair with a woman later identified as his biographer, Paula Broadwell.
“This week, the government launched its new sexy reboot of “You’ve got Mail,’” Meyers said. “David Petraeus and his alleged mistress, Paula Broadwell, reportedly used a trick popular with terrorist cells by leaving untraceable messages for each other in the drafts folder of a shared e-mail account. And in another trick borrowed from terrorists, it blew up in their faces.”
Meyers also poked fun at former Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney.
“In a conference call with major donors on Wednesday, Mitt Romney said President Obama won reelection because he gave big gifts to targeted groups such as black people, Hispanics and younger voters,” Meyers said. “Though some believe Obama won because of the big gift he got from Republicans." The screen then displayed a photo of Romney.
The segment also had a special guest in New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who noted that the clean-up from superstorm Sandy "isn’t a job that will be done in a couple of days."
"Luckily, New Jerseyans are known for their patience,” he joked.
Much like how "SNL" regular Bobby Moynihan played him a few weeks ago, the real-life Christie was just as tough. After making sure Meyers knew Christie was all business, he addressed the "stupid mayors of New Jersey" who didn’t follow his orders during Sandy.
“I do not thank any of the stupid mayors who ignored my evacuation orders,” Christie said. “You’re idiots. When you ignore me, it makes you look like a real Seth Meyers.”
Christie also talked about his attachment to his official New Jersey governor fleece jacket, which he’s been seen wearing during multiple Sandy briefings.
The fleece was "basically fused to my skin at this point,” Christie said. “I’m gonna die in this fleece."
Finally, Christie told the people of his state to keep things positive, quoting the words of N.J.-native and "saint" Bruce Springsteen.
"Everything dies, baby, that's a fact. But maybe everything that dies someday comes back," he said. "Put your makeup on, fix your hair up pretty and meet me tonight in Atlantic City."
This week’s host was “Avengers” co-star Jeremy Renner. The musical guest was Maroon 5.