In a complicated episode from the writer who brought you Seth Cohen's spirit otter, Lily and Rufus are having second thoughts about their relationship, but a Parent Trap move by the van der Humphries gets things back on track. After a bunch of retro tunes and staring into space, Rufus convinces Lily to marry him tomorrow, and Serena puts everybody into action to plan the wedding.
Georgina returns from Boston with a little blackmail for Vanessa: Dan breaks up with Olivia, or G detonates the Scott bomb and ruins V's relationship with the Humphreys. There's a pretty hilarious act in which Vanessa dutifully follows G's orders, causing Dan to think she's finally making a play for him, but that idea is so gross that she finally comes clean about Scott.
Blair's excellent hatred toward Bree and newfound acceptance of Carter are two things that make Chuck very jealous, so he works out a scheme with Bree to get Carter out of the picture. The totally Vanity Fair deal with Carter is that he proposed to and then jilted Bree's cousin Beth to pay off his gambling debts. So now basically if he goes to the wedding with S instead of leaving town, Bree's cousins will abduct him. Carter attends the wedding and tells S the whole story, and she's grossed out, but kind of loses track of this in the middle of everything else.
Realizing Dan bluffed about breaking up with Olivia for her, Georgina brings Scott to the wedding. Of course, Rufus and Lily have found themselves at an impasse without her help, so Scott gets to watch them be their usual ornery selves and runs off. G tries to make it worse by telling his secret, but this actually causes Lily and Rufus to band together to find him, and say a lot of love words to him and each other before getting married in DUMBO by Sonic Youth. All seven of their children standing around being gawky takes up most of the loft space.
Blair sends Dorota and Vanya to kill Georgina, but doesn't do much otherwise besides explain Bree's scheme to Nate, who breaks up with Bree even after she blames using him on having Texas... In her blood! Bree's family takes Carter away to murder him, and Chuck explains how brave he was to come to the wedding knowing that he will now die, which makes Serena so sad that not even Lily's begrudging respect for planning all these weddings can cheer her up. But I guess next week she's going to win him back in a poker game? Best jackpot ever. XOXO.
For more from Television Without Pity: