Chuck Norris Wants to Run for President … of Texas

It’s a rare moment in our lives when we wake up and something that looks like brilliant satire is as true as Chuck Norris’ ability to fly and slay dragons with a single round house kick, in 1294 A.D. If you don’t understand that statement, don’t ask. That’s just how powerful he is. 

We hesitate to bring you this story because, when Chuck Norris is the president of our newly seceded state-turned-country, he might find out about it. Would you want to be on Chuck Norris’ bad side? But I continue because that’s just how dedicated to advancing the banner of truth in journalism and defying danger to bring information to you lovely people that I am (adding this to my resume).

Ahem.

Chuck Norris is running for president. So soon, you say? Didn’t we just have an election? What month is it? Well, that’s just the thing, there aren’t any official dates for the election of the president of Texas.

The idea came to him when he joked he should run in a discussion about his frustrations with the national government on Fox News’ "The Glenn Beck Show" recently. The concept apparently stuck, and he then used this quip as a headline on a piece he published Monday, the day before his 69th birthday, for World Net Daily, balancing somewhere between byline and battle cry.

The piece (which also popped up on Wonkette) uses a great deal of historical examples and contains an outline of a case for why it would be ok to express disagreement with certain policies through force and violence. Quotes from Founding Fathers highlight how far he believes our current government has strayed from their true intentions. His sincere desire for advancing conservative values and not bankrupting the country are evident, though he offers a rather extreme solution.

Though you might have thought the Republic of Texas murmurings were constrained to a few lone biker clubs or trailer-sized headquarters somewhere, Norris says the undercurrent of separatist fervor runs thicker than anyone knew,:

“Anyone who has been around Texas for any length of time knows exactly what we'd do if the going got rough in America. Let there be no doubt about that. As Sam Houston once said, ‘Texas has yet to learn submission to any oppression, come from what source it may.’”

To take this notion even further into the physical plane of reality, Norris and Beck are urging others to unite with them as well as “thousands of cell groups around the country” on March 13 at 5 p.m. ET, 4 p.m. CT and 2 p.m. PST, in “solidarity over the concerns for our nation.” They will host a live telecast, “We Surround Them,” and Beck's Web site encourages anyone who agrees with 7 out of 9 listed principles to send in their photos, although what exactly they will do with them or what the content of the program will be was not made clear.