Communist, Un-American NFL Bans Bowling Ball Shots

By Drew Magary
|  Friday, Sep 17, 2010  |  Updated 1:51 PM EDT
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Communist, Un-American NFL Bans Bowling Ball Shots

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In this 1989 photo, a tailgater enjoys a brew in a parking lot. It was a simpler time.

I am an American. And as such, I believe I have certain inalienable rights.Like the freedom to swear anonymously in online chat rooms. Or the freedom to eat any discarded French fries that happen to by lying around my neighborhood Five Guys location.

But above all else, I believe every American has the right to drink cherry booze out of bowling balls while tailgating at a Buffalo Bills game.

The NFL does not see things this way, and that is why the NFL may secretly be a Communist society that has lain dormant since the Blacklist Era, only to now reawaken in the 21st Century ready to rob us of our freedoms and our liquor-filled sporting equipment.

According to ESPN, Ken Johnson has been a Buffalo Bills tailgater for 21 years. And like any good tailgater, Johnson knows that you need to GO HARD OR GO HOME. That’s why his tailgates include:

… from the red 1980 Pinto on which he grills meat on the hood to the pizza oven made out of a filing cabinet to a chicken wing-cooking mailbox and, yes, even the long-established ceremony of drinking shots of Polish cherry liqueur out of the thumbhole of a bowling ball.

Sounds like a party to me, man.

And when Trent Edwards is your QB and Chan Gailey is your head coach and Gomer Pyle is your GM, trust me when I tell you it’s NECESSARY to spend every Sunday drinking cough syrup-flavored booze out of an unreasonably heavy object.

But the NFL said NEIN to Johnson’s tradition and put the kibosh on it:

A league official threatened to shut down his party before the Bills' season opener. Aside from his tailgate creating a potential crowd control issue, Johnson was informed by security that the league official frowned on the bowling ball shots he provides to passers-by who line up at his site.

So we’re not allowed to hand out free shots to random fans and toddlers anymore? IS THIS NOT AMERICA?

I’m sorry, but I’m not going to sit idly by while this FASCIST ENTERPRISE tries to prevent a hard-working Buffalonian from getting himself and others obnoxiously drunk before going out and having to watch the Bills’ o-line try and block someone. Keep in mind, this franchise is about to desert Buffalo for freakin’ CANADA. I bet Canada wouldn’t ban concealed cherry tailgate booze! THEY’RE WAY COOL LIKE THAT!

Furthermore, the NFL earns massive annual sponsorship fees from Coors Light, along with ad revenue from Bud, Miller Lite, and any other beer consumed by Americans over 450 pounds who like yelling REAL LOUD. You people are hypocrites, and you make me sick. This poor man just wants to chug Polish spirits out of a ball. Who are you to deny him that right? I didn’t VOTE for you! USURPERS! USURPERS! USURPERS!

Johnson says he’ll take his party to a lot a few yards away. But it won’t be the same. You and I know that. A little bit of America died today. And Roger Goodell killed it.

I hope you’re happy with yourself, Roger.

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