Rex Ryan addressed the media on Wednesday, and as expected was peppered with questions about a bizarre series of foot fetish internet videos, allegedly containing Ryan and his wife of 23 years, Michelle.
The issue, as created by the media in this age of journalistic nonsense and triviality, is purportedly Rex Ryan’s wife’s feet. A profile on Web site featuring sexual fantasies has come to light and it appears to detail the foot fetish of Ryan and his wife. A woman’s bare feet virtually filled the screen on the web video-- and that unleashed a flood of puns and wisecracks.
Among the headlines: “Tormented Rex Bares ‘Sole’ Over Kinky Feet Vids”; “Say it Ain’t Toe! Rex Mum on Vid;” “Now that’s Foot-Ball!”
The Jets coach sheepishly refused to answer questions about the video. “This is a personal matter,” he said, “and I don’t intend to discuss it.” But, when asked directly about Michelle, he brightened up: “My wife’s beautiful, she’s wonderful. We’ve been married for 23 years. She’s awesome.”
The headline writers couldn’t resist writing about his press conference: “Doesn’t Deny He’s Sole Man, Says It’s a Personal Matter”; “Agony of De-Feet.”
Punsters are like pundits: they can’t resist an opportunity to play with words. But it’s hardly a new phenomenon. If you go back to William Shakespeare’s play “Julius Caesar,” there’s a scene in the first scene of the first act.
Marullus, a tribune, asks a commoner in the street:
“What trade art thou? Answer me directly.”
“A trade, sir, that, I hope, I may use with a safe conscience: which is indeed, sir, a mender of bad soles.”
Marullus: “What trade, thou knave? Thou naughty knave, what trade?
Commoner: “Nay, I beseech you, sir, be not out with me: yet. If you be out, sir, I can mend you.
Marullus: “What meanest thou by that? mend me, thou saucy fellow!
Commoner: “Why, sir, cobble you.”
Flavius: “Thou are a cobbler, art thou?
Commoner: “Truly, sir, all that I live by is with the awl. I meddle with no tradesman’s matters. I am indeed, sir, a surgeon to old shoes, when they are in great danger. “
So, you see, there is truly nothing new under the sun. Poor Rex Ryan, whose only crime seems to be that he loves his wife, is just the latest victim of a wholesale assault by punsters on the issues of soles, souls and feet.
We could pun on an international stage -- using melodies or phrases like “O Sole Mio” or “A Bien
Tot. “ Or should that be “toe” ?
Or, better still, we could make a New Year’s resolution to stop this. It would be no mean feat.