We're spreading a little holiday cheer to our many friends throughout the NBA, starting right here in New York with our two underachieving teams. Here's what they'll find under their trees:
Phil Jackson: Lessons on how to build a championship team from Jerry Krause, a certified expert.
Derek Fisher: A two-week all-expenses paid trip to Dallas to sit and learn how to coach a team, from Larry Brown.
Carmelo Anthony: A dunce cap to add to his stylish hat collection, for not leaving as a free agent to go play for Chicago.
Amar’e Stoudemire: An injury-free season, so he can move onto a title contender next season and get his last shot at a ring.
James Dolan: A new personal guru to replace Irving Azoff, who introduced the Garden CEO to Phil Jackson.
J.R. Smith: A copy of Phil Jackson’s “Guide to the 7 Fundamentals of the Triangle Offense,’’ so he can try to make sense of it all.
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Mikhail Prokhorov: A new “Blueprint for Greatness,’’ since the first one has gone up in smoke for the Nets’ owner, scotching his plans to win a title by 2015.
Lionel Hollins: A set of young, athletic wing players who can defend and run the floor for his Nets.
Deron Williams: A trade to the Sacramento Kings, where he can start fresh.
Kevin Garnett: A trade to the Warriors, where he can be the veteran with the ring and championship experience to show Stephen Curry how to win in May and June.
Billy King: Three future No. 1 draft picks, to re-stock the Net GM’s bare cupboard.
Brook Lopez: An autographed copy of Dennis Rodman’s best-seller, “My Secrets to Rebounding.’’
The Garden: Better press seating.
Barclays Center: A new roof.
LeBron James: Nothing. The guy has it all, including all of the power in Cleveland.
David Blatt: LeBron’s cell number, so the Cavs’ rookie coach can start building a relationship with a player who wants very little to do with him.
Dan Gilbert: Mark Jackson’s cell number, which the Cavs’ owner probably already has at his disposal, courtesy of LeBron.
Mark Jackson: The ability to get along with his new bosses whenever he gets the Cleveland gig.
Andrew Wiggins: A win, any time his Minnesota Timberwolves play the Cavs.
Magic Johnson: A well-pitched playoff game by his Dodgers ace, Clayton Kershaw.
Larry Bird: Paul George, good as new.
Kobe Bryant: One more trip to the playoffs before he says
goodbye.
Michael Jordan: A team that wants to make a trade with his Charlotte Hornets for Lance Stephenson.
Anthony Davis: Time to develop into the MVP-caliber player everyone already thinks he is now.
Adam Silver: A hard salary cap.
Donald Sterling: Coal.
Mark Cuban: Rajon Rondo was delivered from Boston last week, proving Christmas does come early for some people.
John Calipari: Official recognition for Kentucky as the NBA’s 31st team.
Monty Williams: A top-eight finish in the West for his New Orleans Pelicans so that the former Knick keeps his coaching job.
Steve Kerr: A deep playoff run for his Golden State Warriors.
Jason Kidd: A playoff berth for his Bucks, the most surprising story of the NBA season.
Tom Thibodeau: One night when the Chicago media doesn’t second-guess his rotation or minutes distribution to his Bulls players.
Brett Brown: The end of the tanking era for his Sixers.
Charles Barkley: Season tickets to the Knicks.
Miami Heat fans: Are you kidding? They’ve been taken care of, having LeBron for four seasons, going to four straight Finals and winning two titles.
Pat Riley: Kevin Durant’s signature on a contract in July, 2016, if the Heat president hasn’t already retired to Malibu.
Chris Mullin: The wisdom not to take the Kings’ coaching position next season when his owner, Vivek Ranadive, asks him again to move to the bench.
Tim Duncan: A title in 2015, giving him his first set of back-to-back championships and No. 6 overall.
Gregg Popovich: Tim Duncan, the gift that keeps on giving, for one last hurrah in 2015-16.
Longtime New York columnist Mitch Lawrence continues to write about pro basketball, as he’s done for the last 21 years. His columns for NBCNewYork.com on the Knicks, Brooklyn Nets and the NBA, along with other major sports, will appear twice weekly. Follow him on Twitter: @Mitch _ Lawrence.
