Virginia Governor Tim Kaine will be the next chairman of the Democratic National Committee, huzzah! Of course Barack Obama will be the "real" head of the Democratic party, so Kaine's position will be of the "fairly useless figurehead" variety, but still! It's a fine position for the guy who looked like a promising national figure until everybody figured out what a terrible drip he was.
Tim Kaine, this milquetoast little nothing, was elected governor of Virginia in 2005, and everybody was very happy because he was a Democrat. People figured he had to have some kind of charisma to get elected, in spite of this very serious impediment! So all the Democratic party leaders decided to let him deliver what they hoped would be a stirring rebuttal to George Bush's 2006 State of the Union address. Alas, a nervous Kaine just weirdly rattled along and got completely upstaged by his left eyebrow.
Kaine got a second chance at greatness when his name was floated as a possible vice presidential candidate. But Barack Obama picked Joe Biden instead, and at the Democratic National Convention we were all reminded, yet again, why Tim Kaine should stay out of national politics. While his speech wasn't quite as awful as his android predecessor Mark Warner's, Kaine did try to get everybody in the audience to shout "MOVE, MOUNTAIN!", which they pretty obviously didn't want to do. It was an awkward moment for everyone.
After the convention, Governor Kaine swallowed his disappointment at getting overlooked for VP and worked his hindquarters off to get Barack Obama the votes he needed to win in the crucial state of Virginia. He was probably hoping for a fantastically awesome job after all he did to help our next President -- maybe a Cabinet appointment or a hot ambassadorship or something. But instead he gets this pitiful sop, this dumb pointless post, which he'll only be doing part-time anyway until he finishes his term as governor. Then he'll "get" to chair the DNC full time, which means we will never hear from him again.
Sara K. Smith also writes for Wonkette, the prize-winning journal devoted to men's haircare and grooming. She suggests using the #40 blade.