So you love Thanksgiving but you can’t stand football. I understand. Not everyone likes football. Communists, for instance. You just wish you could veg out most of the day in front of the TV without having to encounter the Detroit Lions. I’m a football fan, and even I understand that desire.
So what non-footballish programming is out there after all the parade coverage is over, gentle Thanksgiving TV viewer? Fear not, for I have combed through the schedule and arranged a perfect viewing day for you.
12:00PM – National Dog Show (NBC): - Hosted by the dude who used to play J. Peterman on Seinfeld. You’d think you could resist two hours of dogs being paraded around by waddling owners in ugly shoes who snipped off little Kirby’s tail in a cruel breeding practice. But then, OOOH LOOKIT HIM HE’S SO CUUUUTE!
12:00PM – Band of Brothers Marathon (Spike): Like violence but hate football? Watch this rerun of the classic HBO miniseries. War is like football, but without pads or rules! Nice! Your saying of grace later that day will end up being 40 minutes longer as a result of watching this.
2:00PM – Uncle Buck (E!): “Why I've been known to circumcise a gnat. You're not a gnat are you, Bug?”
4:00PM – The Cast Of The Cosby Show – Where Are They Now? (TV Land): Disappointingly, the answer for none of them is “rehab,” or “jail.”
5:00PM – The Cast Of Party of Five – Where Are They Now? (TV Land): I’ll tell you where: distracting ghosts with their huge cans, that’s where.
6:00PM – Amazing Log Homes (HGTV): I have actually seen this hour-long special already, and it’s some of the best house porn you’ll ever watch. The log cabin aspect of it also makes feel all warm and snug on a holiday. Seriously though, some of these houses are bigger than Cowboys Stadium.
7:00PM – Bones (TNT): Spend a quality hour staring at Emily Deschanel’s flawless visage.
8:00PM – Charlie Brown’s Thanksgiving (ABC): Am I the only one who finds Charlie Brown specials to be suicide-level depressing?
9:00PM – NBC’s People of the Year (NBC): Matt Lauer interviews Taylor Swift, Susan Boyle, Sully Sullenberger (who says he has “rock star sex” with his old lady), and the Octomom. And if that doesn’t put you into a Turkey Day coma, nothing will.
Drew Magary is a writer for deadspin.com.