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Wednesday Watch List: HARDBALLS!

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Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and commandeer a motorcycle. I’ve always wanted to commandeer a motorcycle. You can get away with it in movies so easily. But when I try and do it, I get thrown in jail! Such BS. LET’S GO!

THE FRANCHISE: A SEASON WITH THE SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS – 10:00PM (Showtime) I neglected last week to mention the premiere of this new Showtime show, which does for baseball what HBO’s “Hard Knocks” did for football, namely show athletes swearing and arguing and stuff. It’s a battle-tested formula, and this one is aided by the fact that it’s being filmed during the regular season, as opposed to “Hard Knocks,” which just covers training camp. If I don’t get a Tin Lincecum bong shot, I’mma be real disappointed. ANTICIPATION: GIANT!

HOSTAGE IN PARADISE – 9:00PM (Animal Planet) This Animal Planet show takes a look at people who have nearly lost their lives while working in the wild, including people who have been kidnapped by government insurgents and people threatened by nefarious loggers. Seriously, loggers. What is your deal? I’ve never seen anyone get so fired up over lumber. Now, diamond miners, I can see why they’re violent. Diamonds are worth going a little nutty over. ANTICIPATION: TROUBLE!

PRIMETIME NIGHTLINE: BEYOND BELIEF – 10:00PM (ABC) Correspondent Terry Moran, who I assume lost a coin flip in the newsroom, explores real life exorcisms and shows you footage from one, as a exorcist tries to wash that devil right out of someone’s hair. And I love it when seemingly reputable news organizations tackle ludicrous stuff like this. It’s like when you get a copy of TIME magazine with the headline IS ESP REAL?!!!!??!!! You know it was a slow news week when they delve into the paranormal stuff. ANTICIPATION: HEAD TURNING!

TODDLERS AND TIARAS – 10:00PM (TLC) This week’s pageant has a rock theme to it, and I find these child beauty pageants to be ten times creepier when they have a theme to it. Putting the kid in an evening dress and heels is creepy enough. Dressing them up like Sheila E is somehow much worse. ANTICIPATION: GLAMOROUS LIFE!

LED ZEPPELIN: DAZED AND CONFUSED – 10:00PM (Bio) Let me know when the mud shark part is coming, so I can close my eyes. ANTICIPATION: ACTUALLY, IT WAS A RED SNAPPER!

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