Oh, America. Oh, how I’m disappointed in you. The new “Karate Kid” movie destroyed at the box office this weekend. And while that’s very nice, given that the movie got decent critical reviews, you people are only encouraging Hollywood. You just handed them a freshly laminated license to remake every classic 80’s movie you hold dear. Welcome to the new Hollywood business cycle. It now involves remaking the same 100 movies every 20 years. And now that “The Karate Kid” has proven that model effective, you can now expect the following 80’s remakes to land at your door any day now. Why, they could even remake CADDYSHACK! What’s that? They did already? YOU SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING?!
ET: Oh, you think they can’t remake ET? They CAN. They can have Justin Bieber play Elliott and have him and the CGI-produced ET go soaring through the sky on a magic Razor Scooter.
A Christmas Story: It’ll be just like the original you know and love, only this time it will star Suri Cruise and she’ll spend 90 minutes pining for a 4th-generation iPhone to go with her iPad. And she’ll totally get it when he daddy points out a mysterious gift hidden behind the family’s altar to Xenu.
Raging Bull: Robert Pattinson gains 90 pounds for the role. That just makes him more dreamily unattainable!
Die Hard: At some point after Die Hard 5 is made, the studio will demand Bruce Willis pass the baton to a new generation of grumpy New York cop who gets caught with terrorists in tight spaces. That new generation? You guessed it: Jaden Smith. Think of John McClane, rastified by 40%.
Fast Times At Ridgemont High: With Dax Shepard as Spicoli! You tell me that’s not a huge upgrade over Sean Penn! Also, this version will be PG-13 and won’t feature Phoebe Cates’ breasts. Not good.
Scarface: It’ll be a shot-for-shot remake, just like Van Sant’s “Psycho”. For you see, people like old movies. They just don’t like the fact that they’re so old. Which is why you need to redo them with different actors, and perhaps give Tony’s sister a Brazilian wax this time around.
Tootsie: With Seth Rogen. Because there are still people in the flyover states who find a man in drag to be CRAZY.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off: It’s happening. You know it is. All the picketing on Earth won’t stop them from casting one of the dudes from “Gossip Girl” in the title role. Also, the parade song will be changed to “Walk This Way.” You will have moved to Argentina by the time this is all made official.
Back To The Future: And this time, Marty goes BACK to 1985. And that’ll totally screw with your head, especially when his mom hits on him.
Gandhi: Okay, maybe not “Gandhi.” Still, this is what you have wrought, ticket-buying citizens of the US. Hollywood now knows it can desecrate your childhood and get your kids to like inferior versions of the movies you treasure. This is yet another spill that cannot be capped.