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Monday Watch List: Sloppy Seconds! Darkness! BIEBER!!!!

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    NEWSLETTERS

    FilmMagic
    Justin Bieber performs at Nokia Theatre in L.A.

    Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and cancel that trip to Russia. Never visit any country that’s on fire. Just a simple guideline to follow. LET’S GO!

    BACHELOR PAD – 8:00PM (ABC) It’s a battle of sloppy seconds in this new ABC reality show. Nineteen people who got kicked off “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” all live together in one house, where one presumes any number of romantic shenanigans will take place and untold diseases will be swapped. Tonight, the castoffs play a giant game of Twister. Will there be inappropriate touching? Because that’s pretty much the goal of Twister. The guy who invented it? Total pervert. ANTICIPATION: RIGHT HAND GROIN!

    DATING IN THE DARK – 10:00PM (ABC) Not to be confused with “Dancer in the Dark,” Danish auteur Lars Von Trier’s dark musical about America starring Bjork. A common mistake. ABC unleashes yet another dating show upon you tonight, this one exactly what its title implies. Six people go on dates in a dark room, also known as a “nightclub”. Among the eligible singletons is a dude who doesn’t like overweight people. Well really, who does? Even overweight people don’t like overweight people. The dark room tonight will perfectly conceal our man’s NO FAT CHICKS t-shirt. ANTICIPATION: DARK!

    2010 TEEN CHOICE AWARDS – 8:00PM (FOX) America’s teenagers once more prove to the rest of the nation that they horrible, horrible taste with this two hour award ceremony in which surfboards are given as trophies and people in the audience scream for no apparent reason. Your hosts are Katy Perry and the male cast of “Glee,” which is apparently its own collective now. Also appearing are Robert Pattinson and Justin Bieber, who will both need to find a way to strap two dozen surfboards to the hoods of their limos. Not as easy as it looks. ANTICIPATION: BIEBER!

    TOO FAT FOR 15: FIGHTING BACK – 8:00PM (Style) A group of overweight teens attend a special weight loss boarding school (Chode Rosemary Hall? Greenwich Guntry Day?) for a rigorous four month weight loss training program. All dating at this school must take place in the dark, as mandated by Todd from that one ABC show. ANTICIPATION: INSPIRING!

    ANTHONY BOURDAIN: NO RESERVATIONS – 10:00PM (Travel Channel) Tony goes to Dubai, the city of choice for anyone hoping to play tennis on a rooftop made of solid platinum. ANTICIPATION: LUXURIOUS!